my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
