my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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