and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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