no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
