Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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