I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
