fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
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