Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I licked your asshole in confidence.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
