I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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