I hate all girls vehemently.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
