I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
