You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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