i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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