he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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