I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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