I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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