Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
