but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
