i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
