Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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