I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
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