My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize