i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
