At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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