It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
