I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I need moral support for this bender
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
