Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
