you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
