They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
