Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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