3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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