I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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