i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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