2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
