is your mom at the bar?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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