The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
