Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
