so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
