Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
