Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
