the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
