i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm getting married
To pizza
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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