remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
