is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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