rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize