Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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