I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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