Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize