i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
