Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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