addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
