New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
