I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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