Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
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