just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
